Hunger

That’s the name of the book I’m trying to read. Hunger. Or at least, it’s the name of the book that is on my mind most of the time these days, although I’m really reading another book which is a pretty decent one. It’s on the top of my mind especially when I’m hungrily shopping for more books even before I’m done with the pretty decent one and a pile of others fighting to be read next.

That’s the name of the predominant sensation I experience every day, may be because I eat very little – may be not more than a little bite a day when I’m in the mood – and that may be because I can barely sense the taste of food when in public spaces – like a restaurant, a mess, a family dinner, a lunch break at office and that sort of a thing.

That’s the name of love that is not reciprocated at all, or worse  yet: that which is returned in meager doses. It is also another name for lust. Love. Lust. Hunger. What sin, what pain, what pleasure.

That’s the name of everything that drives every man to do what he does. That’s the inner voice, the spirit, the sinner and the saint, the will and the winter within.

That’s the name of self-penance, the pleasure of punishing the self. Being the master and the slave. Being the torture and the victim.  The offence and the defense. The test and the outcome. The victory and the failure. The victory is to survive hunger that long and the failure is to not survive it for much longer. Hunger prevails over hunger.

Hunger is what I’d like to call you, my love, if not for your beautiful name, because I want you so bad all the time but I know I’d die if I have you for any longer than this. You are good for my soul in little doses. I think I can kill you any day with just one good meal but you aren’t really dead, are you? You are just temporarily buried under all the barbecue chicken and mushroom sauce and chocolate mousse; you come back to me the next day or the day after, and I receive you with open arms just the same and lie down over there with you, under the sheets, curled up and delirious, happy and hoping to die of you some day, some distant day when I’m happier than ever.

Oh Hunger, I love you.

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6 thoughts on “Hunger

  1. Oh, I have been a fool to ignore your blog! This was such an astonishing piece.

    But I have a doubt. “the will and the winter within”. what do you mean there?

    Also, somehow there was foreshadowing at play in the beginning of the piece because I sensed what you might say in the rest of it and it came true! This is exactly the opposite of aimless and “predictable” meandering in a lot of bad writing (mine too).

    All in all, awesome reading.

    • Oh, Shantanu! I’m so glad that you chose to read it and then you commented on it too.. and then you say it’s astonishing. Ah! Overjoyed I am now.

      “the will and the winter within” – the will as in the resolve, the tenacity, or willpower; “winter within”…winter was used in the sense of a source of misery, so by “the winter within” I meant a deathly source of misery that is to be endured as it consumes one from within..

      Shangoyal!!! you are the best writer I know..and I don’t know what you are up to. A novel?
      How could you categorize anything I’ve ever read on your blog as “bad writing”. It’s not even in the neighborhood, ever!!!!!
      I should tell you that there was an undefined period of time in the not-so-recent past before which I wasn’t certain where I drew my inspiration from or where I ought to draw it from…but after that period I was certain that every time I sat down to write something to satisfy my soul your writing’s one of the first things I meditated upon and drew inspiration from. It is still the case.
      I absolutely love what your writing does to me. I’ll try and describe it to you when we talk next. I hope I get to read something you’ve written recently.

  2. hi,after an year visited your blog, its like getting
    into an unknown jungle to watch your wild blossoms
    and those thoughts are like embracing the dark to perceive the unknown,

    while i was contet with my dal rice in life, your
    unknown dish served with lots of peppers made me hungry to
    write a msg now..even though its like an adventure of getting
    into a deep sea and to say “hi” to an unrestful shark;-p
    and belated happy bday

    • Hi madhugangaram, thank you very very much for revisiting and reading my blog.

      Thanks for leaving a message too. I love expression. Thank you.

      I’ll try to write better.

      But, I wonder how you came to know of my b’day? Wonder, wonder. Tell me please. 🙂

  3. no rocket science involved…just selecting your name and right clicking to search on google for rashmitharao,then entering on fb page ,there on the wall every one was wishing and i thought to wish you, i am wondering what if your ceo googles you and reads this posts and apperciates you in office how will you react;-) …. expecting more posts from you..take care& happy weekend

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